What Hurts The Most
by JKBeck
Summary: Chandler and Monica loose each other. Will they be able to push away their broken past, and realize what really matters? Read to find out! Part 4 of many! Please read! and REVIEW!
1. Like We Never Loved At All

**What Hurts The Most**

Hey guys! This is chapter one of What Hurt's the Most. It takes place in season 6 sometime. Chandler was planning on proposing, but never did. He didn't tell any of the friends about it. Richard did show up at the restaurant, thus making Chandler try to throw Monica off by making her believe he hated marriage, but he never revealed his feelings for her.

I have a pretty good idea where I want this story to go, so let me know if ya like it. Cause if you do I'll continue! Thanks!

**Like We Never Loved At All**

"Mon pick up it's me… hey you there? If you are pick up! Listen I know that you aren't leaving for New York until Saturday and you're probably working all the time until then, but I need you to call the caterer, they screwed up the head count, and for some think we ordered steak burgers for the entrée. I need your help! You know I have a hard time understanding foreigners on the phone. Anyway, can't wait to see you! Everyone is excited to see you… yes even Mom. Call me when you get this. I love you. Bye."

Monica signed as she stared at the blinking light from her answering machine-- Only two more days until she'd be back in New York. She haphazardly tossed her keys on the table next to the couch and sank into its cushions. Her hands went immediately to her temples as she tried to rid herself of the headache she felt coming on. She had been living in Chicago for almost four years now, and had convinced herself that her life there was better then it ever was in New York. She was working at an extremely upscale restaurant on the north side, had great friends, and a terrific boyfriend. Her life was great.

"Hey honey, what are you doing home so early? I thought you had to work all day." Monica looked up as James walked in the door.

"Yeah I finished next weeks menus early so I took the rest of the day off." She explained as rose to meet him and she greeted him with a kiss.

"Lucky me." He said into her hair. "Since you have the night off, why don't we order-in, maybe rent a movie or something," he suggested.

"That sounds great, but I still have a lot of packing to do."

"Oh… okay," he said trying not to sound disappointed. "Well how about you finish packing tonight, and tomorrow, since it's your last night in town we go out for a nice dinner together?"

Monica smiled against his lips then slightly pulled away from his embrace.

"That would be perfect."

"Great. Well I'm going to go on down to Jack's. The game is on, and I told Paul I'd meet him down there for a little while. Plus, that way you have no distractions; I know how much you hate to pack. "

Monica sank back down into the couch as soon as he left, her hands once again returning to her aching head. She reached over and hit the play button on the answering machine. She had already heard Ross' message, she was walking in when he called. She listened to the message again, this time only half listening. She hit the delete button after it finished playing and picked up the receiver to dial the caterer. After seven rings, and no answer she hung up. She knew she should call her bother but she really wasn't in the mood to plan or organize anything. She smiled sadly when she thought back to when she loved to do those things. She would drive her friends absolutely crazy, paying attention to every last detail. Joey had often referred to it as "CC Mode," which meant crazy and controlling. She glanced over at the numerous water bottles and bowl of old popcorn, from three days ago, that laid on the coffee table, and her boyfriend's dirty boots, still caked with mud from a job sight, resting on the off-white carpet. That would have sent her over the edge years ago. She probably would have lost sleep over the bottles alone.

The reality was that part of her had died a long time ago. As soon as her plane landed in Chicago she was a completely different person. She had to change, because everything she did, thought, and saw reminded her of her old life, a life that towards the end was full of pain and sadness. She didn't want to remember or think about it anymore, and she had actually managed to do that; well until she found out that Ross and Rachel were getting married. She was so shocked when she heard the news and even more so when Rachel insisted she be her Maid of Honor, she actually fell off the bed. So for the past seven months she had been planning their wedding from Chicago. Even though the wedding was still three weeks away Rachel insisted, and eventually Monica agreed that she would fly out and stay the remaining three weeks with her best friend and brother to tie everything together before the big day.

She stood and walked into her bedroom, stepping over the pile of clothes that lay in the middle of the floor, and opened her closet. She might as well start packing, or she knew it would never get done. She opened up her suitcase and started to throw miscellaneous tops and skirts in it.

"This is going to be a long night."

She sat on the bed hours later exhausted. She had forgotten how much work it was to pack, especially for three weeks. She grabbed a duffle bag from the floor and started to fill it with shoes, when something caught her eye. She looked at the small brown and white box with a sad smile. It had been ages since she had seen it, and even longer since she'd open it. She cautiously walked over kneeling beside it, almost afraid of what was inside of it, even though she knew perfectly well what it's contents were. She sat down next to it silently debating with herself if she really wanted to open up a can of worms by actually allowing herself to remember.

"Screw it." She said and carefully lifted the top from the box. Her hands went immediately to the photos inside. She riffled through a few of them before coming to the one on the bottom, which she had purposely put there. She smiled at the two people smiling back at her, their arms wrapped tightly around the other, both not even paying attention to the camera. They were just staring at each other, with wide grins and eyes so full of love. Monica could feel her stomach turning into knots and soon after tears filled her eyes.

"How did we let it slip away?" She wondered silently.

She could feel his name tugging at her lips. She swallowed hard. She hadn't said it out loud of years.

"Hey babe, what are you looking at?" She froze when she heard her James' voice behind her. He knew little about her life in New York, and was always skeptical when she seemed to want to avoid the subject completely.

Monica quickly slid the picture under the others and pulled one from the top.

"Oh I was just looking at some pictures of my friends from New York."

It wasn't really a lie; he was her friend. Key word was. They hadn't spoken in years.

"Oh really… would you mind if I took a look with you?" She smiled hesitantly before allowing him to sit next to her.

"OK now who's who?" he asked studying the picture she held in her hands.

"Well you know my brother Ross," she said pointing to her brother and then Rachel. "This is Rachel. That there is Phoebe and Joey is standing there behind the couch."

"Yeah I know about them. I heard you mention them when you were talking to Rachel the other day. Who's that?" he asked pointing to the man who was standing with his arms around Monica.

"That's me!" she exclaimed, knowing who he was really talking

"No, Mon, I know that's you, hello. I meant the guy standing behind you."

"I've never told you about him before?" she knew very well that she hadn't as much as uttered his name to anyone in the last four years.

"Nooooo, I would have remembered. You've told me a little about your friends, but I don't remember him.

Just then the phone rang. Monica jumped up eagerly to answer it.

"Hello"

"Hey Mon, it's Rach.

"Oh hey, I called the caterer, everything is in order," she lied. She would call them in the morning. It wasn't worth worrying Rachel over. She watched as her boyfriend left the room to give her some privacy.

"That's great Mon, thanks! We've got so much to do when you get here."

Monica half listened to her friend chattering like monkey for the next twenty minutes about hair appointments and dress fittings. Her mind was somewhere else. She wasn't sure if it was because she was going back to New York, or the picture from earlier, but she couldn't get him, or the life they had shared out of her mind.

"Mon… Mon are you there? Hello Monica!"

"Oh sorry Rach, I just got sidetracked, that's all."

"Oh," Rachel said smiling. "It wouldn't be because of that handsome man that's living with you is it?

"NO!" Monica half screamed into the phone.

"Whoa, calm down Mon, I was only kidding around."

"Sorry Rach, I've just got a lot on my mind that's all.

"Okay well I'll let you go then, I'm meeting the gang at the coffee house anyways."

"Okay." Monica muttered into the phone.

"I can't wait to see you Monica, it's been so long."

"I know, me too Rach."

"We're all so excited to spend time with you..."

'Everyone?" She thought, but to damn scared to let it leave her mouth.

She quickly said goodbye to her friend and walked over to the box still lying on the floor. She quickly shoved the pictures back inside it, and tossed it onto the highest shelf, away from anyone's eyes. That was a part or her that she needed to forget about for everyone's sake, not just her own. People could get hurt if she did, and that was the last thing she wanted. She had already hurt them enough when she left; she wasn't going to let that happen ever again.

Monica slowly made her way through the bustle of the airport. Flying in on a Saturday was not a wise choice. Her flight had been delayed two hours at O'Hare and had circled JFK for forty-five minutes before they were allowed to land. All she wanted was to take a long hot bath. She made her way through the usual crowd that surrounded her gate, and took a seat on a bench next to the baggage claim. Ross was supposed to pick her up, but because her flight had been delayed, he had left her a message saying one of them, probably Joey would be there to pick her up.

She couldn't believe she was actually in New York. She thought it would be a little strange, coming back to the very place she ran from. She remembered coming there the night she had left, the night that changed everything. She closed her eyes, trying to keep the memories from flooding her mind, but it was useless. Her hands made their way to her head, in their usual attempt to rid her of the splitting headache she had already. It wasn't that she didn't love her life. She loved Chicago, and her life there, but there always seemed to be something lingering in the back of her mind that she didn't belong there.

She picked up her cell phone to call James; hoping talking to him would rid her of the memories. Plus she needed to call and let him know that she arrived safely like she had promised hours earlier. She got the machine.

"Hey honey it's me, I just wanted to let you know that I made it here alive, and that I'll call you later. I love…"

She stopped when she felt a strong hand on her shoulder.

"Well that was fast, I thought..."

She lost her voice when she spun around. She quickly snapped the phone shut. She turned her gaze to her shoes, unable to take the intensity of his gaze that she felt burning a hole into her. Her stomach twisted, her body went numb, and she was sure all the color had drained from her face. She grabbed the bench to steady herself before looking up at him. She could feel the word on her lips, and even though in the past she didn't even think of saying it out loud, with him standing there in front of her; his sandy brown hair, soft smile, and his eyes, oh his eyes. The name just rolled off her tongue…

"Chandler."

"Hey…" he said after a moment, his gaze never leaving her face. "I thought that was you."

She smiled. "What are you doing here? Ross said Joey was coming to get me."

He looked down embarrassingly at the ground.

"Umm… actually I'm not here to pick you up."

"Oh… " She answered, the next question already coming out of her mouth. "That what…."

"I'm actually catching a flight myself."

"Oh…" Now she was embarrassed. "Where are you going?"

"Atlanta…."

"Oh."

The both stared at each other, not knowing what to say, or what the other was thinking. She could feel her eyes swelling up again, she couldn't believe he was standing in front of her. Of all the things she thought she'd say, she couldn't remember any of them.

'So how've you been?' She could detect a small amount of uncertainly in is voice. He was nervous, of course. She was too, extremely in fact. Anyone who was standing in a three hundred foot radius could see that!

"Good… I've been good… you?"

"Good, good."

They fell into silence again. Chandler wasn't sure what he wanted to say to her. A part of him wanted to run the minute he had spotted her. The truth was that he had stared at her for what seemed like hours, watching her look around for Joey, fiddle with her watch, and bite her lower lip like she used to do when she was anxious. He had fully intended on walking away from her, just like she had walked away from him. But here he was, standing in front of her, and even with her tousled hair and weary eyes she had never looked more beautiful to him.

"When are you coming back?" Her small voice snapped him back to reality.

"Huh?"

"When are you coming back to New York… you're going to be here for the wedding right?"

"Oh of course, I wouldn't miss the couple of the decade actually make it down the isle. Plus we all have a bet going that by the end of the night the whole "we were on a break" thing will come up. I can't miss out on that."

Her laughter warmed his heart.

"Thank you."

"For what?" he asked.

"Making me laugh, you always knew how to break the tension."

"Really? Because I only remember adding to it," he joked

"Well you've had your moments." He smiled at her. "You never answered my question. When are you coming back?"

"In a few days."

"Oh so you'll be around then." She said her eyes making their way to the ground once more.

"Yeah…" He wanted to scream, "Of course I'll be there, I've never left!" but bit his tongue. He never thought he'd see her again, and if he did was sure he would be so filled with anger he'd scream and yell at her making her listen to how much she had hurt him all those years ago. But he didn't. All he wanted to do was look at her. He was afraid if he tore his gaze from her, for even a second, she'd vanish.

"Hey Chandler… honey there you are, we better get going, they have issued the last boarding call, we can't miss our flight.

Monica felt her stomach twist again when she saw what could only be considered a tall, blond, gorgeous supermodel wrap her arms around Chandler.

"Ummm…okay." He said, his nervousness building. How could he have forgotten about Natalie.

"Um, Nat this is Monica…. She's an old friend."

Natalie extended her hand, and Monica hesitantly took it.

"It's so nice to meet you. I love meeting Chandler's friends, all of them are so wonderful. Did you guys go to school together at NYU?"

"No." Monica said. She looked around nervously hoping that by some fate of God that Joey would show up before she had to explain their situation to Natalie, which Chandler obviously never mentioned to her.

Sensing her nervousness, Chandler spoke up,

"She's Ross' sister."

"Oh! Really!" Natalie exclaimed. "I that's where I know you from! Ross has a picture of you two in his apartment."

"Oh…" Monica didn't know what to say. She didn't know what Chandler was up too, she never asked, but this was not what she expected. How could he be on his way to Atlanta with this woman?

"How long have you two been together?" she asked, attempting to act as though she was okay with it.

" Almost a year." She heard Natalie say in a high-squeal like voice, which was already getting on Monica's nerves.

"In fact," Natalie continued, "We are going to Atlanta so he can meet my parents."

Monica wanted to throw-up as Natalie continued on about her parent's 50th wedding anniversary, and how excited she was for them to meet the "love of her life." She silently wondered if Chandler considered this Natalie person the love of his life.

She looked up at Chandler whose hands were rubbing his temples. He couldn't believe that of all places to see Monica again, it had to be here, now, with Natalie standing next to him.

"God must really hate me." He mumbled to himself.

"Monica! Mon! I'm so sorry I'm late the stupid parking attendant wouldn't let me park out front, I had to use the meters that were all the way…"

Joey stopped dead in his tracks as he looked in horror at the scene in front of him. He ran over to Monica.

"Hey dude, I thought your flight was leaving earlier."

"Delayed." Was all Chandler could force out.

"Yeah, stupid fog." Natalie chimed in.

"Oh hey Natalie. What a nice surprise."

Joey didn't know whom to look at. Monica looked like a ghost, all the color from her face had been completely drained and Chandler had his eyes closed, his hands rubbing the sides of his head, no doubt trying to rub this encounter from his memory. You could cut the tension with a knife.

"Well I don't mean to cut this short, but we have to get you," he said pointing to Monica, "to Ross and Rachel's." He grabbed her bags and arm. "Have a safe flight man!" He screamed while running like he was fleeing a scene of a crime.

They didn't stop until they reached the entrance.

"Mon, I'm so sorry… I didn't realize…. I didn't think he would be there, I'm so…"

"I don't want to talk about it." Monica whispered, cutting him off. "I just want to take a long hot bath and forget about this whole damn thing."

Monica quickly dropped her bags in the guest room and walked straight into the bathroom. She knew both Ross and Rachel were having dinner with Rachel's parents. Monica was supposed to join them, but with her flight being delayed she had conveniently missed it. She washed her face in the sink as the tub filled. She took the clip out of her hair and sank slowly into the now sud-filled water.

She wasn't sure why she was so bothered by the fact that Chandler was in a serious relationship. She was too for God's sake, probably even more serious than Chandler and Natalie's. Her stomach twisted again as she thought about their run-in earlier. Maybe it wasn't that he was with Natalie, maybe it was because he didn't want her. After all he's the one who didn't want to get married. Sure she had been the one to leave, but he was to blame. Not her. He didn't want her. **He didn't want her.** How could anyone blame her for leaving?

"He still looks good…" she mumbled under her breath. She didn't even want herself to hear it. But he did, oh god did he. There was something different about him though. Many wouldn't have been able to spot it, but she could. She could see it in his eyes; they didn't shine like they had once. She remembered when they would shine for her. Even though their meeting today was awkward, to say the least, it could have gone worse. But even through the painful silence, and short answers, him just being there, warmed her heart.

"Stop it Monica!" She scolded herself. "This is ridiculous. It's over, all of that's in the past."

The Past…

They were over, and for the next three weeks she would have to put on a brave face and deal with it. She wondered how she was able to forget about their love so easily. Maybe because she was in New York, where they had been together for so long. She wondered how she had ever been able to forget about the magic they created, the passion they felt, and the deep love they shared. She would have to, and for the next few weeks it would be like they never loved at all.

"Chandler…. baby are you okay? You seem like something is wrong."

They were sitting on Natalie's parent's porch both sipping a glass of wine. The party wasn't going to start for another hour or so.

"Yeah… I'm sorry Nat." He said setting down his glass of wine so he could face her. "I just got a lot on my mind that all, things at work are just bothering me." He lied.

"Oh." She seemed satisfied with his answer. 'You want to talk about it?"

"No, I think I'm just going to go for a walk… ya know kinda clear my head a little."

"Okay, well dinner starts in an hour, don't be too long." She said standing up and kissing him goodbye.

"I won't."

He sighed as he made his way down a small path down the rode He still couldn't believe what had happened earlier. He knew she was coming into town for the wedding, but his friends had failed to mention she was coming in that soon. It had been so long since he had seen her, so damn long. He knew that he had missed her when she left, but never realized how much until he saw her again. He couldn't get the image of her out of his head. Her hair was a little shorter than before he had notice, but it suited her. He remembered how he used to run his fingers through it every chance he got when they were together. She would always laugh and tell him she never needed to brush it, because he was always doing it for her. He thought that he'd be angry, hate her even, but the minute he saw her, and looked into her blue eyes, he knew he could never do such a thing.

"What am I doing?" he thought kicking a stick from the middle of the path, and sitting down in the dirt. He didn't care if he got dirty. He felt tears threatening his eyes, and angrily brushed them aside before they began to take shape. He wasn't going to allow himself to journey down the road of what-ifs. He knew that's where his thoughts were heading. He would push away everything he felt about her, like he did years ago. He couldn't let himself remember, if he did people would get hurt, most likely him. He knew that he couldn't handle loosing her again; on any level.

"Stop it Chandler! Come on pull yourself together."

He stood up and started walking towards the music he heard playing from the party. He was going to forget about Monica and they're love all over again, and he knew just how to do it.

"Come on Chandler! Pick up the damn phone."

Joey paced across the floor of apartment 19. He had tried calling three times earlier, but didn't get an answer. He was sure that Chandler would be upset after his run-in with Monica. He had witnessed first hand what her leaving had done to him. He didn't talk to anyone for weeks. It took him 2 months to leave the apartment, and three years before he even looked at another woman. That's when he met Natalie. It wasn't that Joey, or the others didn't like her, she was great, and was good for Chandler. He tried to believe Chandler when he said that he loved her, but couldn't. He didn't look at Natalie the way he looked at Monica. He wasn't sure how Monica felt about Chandler, but he knew that no woman would ever compare to Monica in Chandler's eyes.

He was about to give up when Natalie picked up.

"Hello…" she said giggling

"Hey Natalie, it's Joey, is Chandler there?"

"Umm…. Yeah he's a little busy at the moment." She said spilling into more fits of laughter.

"It's really important, I need to talk to him about something."

Joey could hear the couple talking in the background.

She came back into the phone.

"You don't have to worry Joey, everything went fine! It was so perfect. It's so sweet of you to call and make sure he didn't mess it up!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh come on Joey, don't play stupid, I know someone had to have helped him plan this whole thing."

"What thing!" Joey screamed into the phone.

"His proposal silly. We're getting married isn't that great! Joey… Joey are you there?"


	2. Nobody Knows It But Me

Hey guys! Here's the second part. I have the fic almost completely done, so updates will come faster! As always Review! Thanks!

Nobody Knows It But Me

Chandler let out a low groan of frustration, as he attempted to get comfortable.

"Could this bed BE any harder?" he wondered as he turned to his other side. The green lights of the clock on the nightstand illuminated his face, causing him to squint.

"Of course I get the bedroom with a clock that has ultraviolet rays " He groaned, stepping onto the floor and pulling his jeans on over his boxers; thankful Natalie's parents insisted they sleep in separate rooms, due to their old-fashioned upbringing. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep anytime soon. He stuffed the keys to the rental car into his pocket, and left the house. He needed some time alone, away from her house, away to think.

It had been a long couple of days since the announcement of their engagement. Her parents were thrilled, and insisted they be married as soon as possible, and of course in Atlanta. Wedding preparations were already in full swing, and it looked like they would be having a late summer wedding.

He could feel a knot forming in his stomach, he had always pictured himself getting married in the spring; and when he mentioned the suggestion to his fiancé, she simply giggled, ruffled his un-combed hair and said, "Oh Chandler don't be silly, this will be perfect, everyone gets married in the Spring… how boring!"

It was something he always wanted; not that he thought about getting married all the time, in fact it was quite the opposite. He had only thought of marriage once before.

He pulled off the road, shutting the engine off. Running his fingers through his hair he grabbed a sweatshirt from the backseat and began walking down a path that had become familiar to him. He had been there every night for four days. Taking a walk always used to soothe him in the past, especially when he couldn't sleep. Now with all the added stresses of planning the wedding, the lack of sleep was beginning to become a habit. He didn't understand why he was so disoriented, sure planning a wedding can be stressful, but it should also be fun, and exciting. So far it had been anything but.

He took a seat on a rather large bolder once he had reached his destination. It was a small clearing in the woods not far from the road, where a small river ran through. He had stumbled across it a few nights ago. Dogwood and Oak trees covered the area on both sides, with periwinkle and scarlet wildflowers that grew in patches just off the bank. The moonlight shown through the flowering dogwood trees casting shadows on the still, dark water. There he felt completely at ease. There he felt safe.

He hated being at Natalie's Parent's. Even though they were extremely generous, and very nice, something about the entire situation make him feel uneasy. He felt like it was all an act. That everyone around him was in some sort of stage play, and that he needed to act accordingly as well. In the last few days everything had changed. It's not that he didn't expect it to, he was engaged for crying out loud, but he had begun to doubt the proposal itself. He didn't even think before he asked her, he didn't have a ring, up until ten minutes before the thought of marrying Natalie never entered his mind.

A cool breeze ruffled his hair, and he let out a shaky breath.

"Why did things have to be so damn hard?" he chucked a stone into the river, sighing again as ripples appeared, making the water dance.

The calm surroundings reminded him of the cabin his parents used to take him to when he was a young boy; before their nasty divorce, before the pool boy ever entered their lives. It reminded him of a time when things were much simpler, were you stressed over missing your favorite TV show, or misplacing your favorite pair of jeans. When relationships were easy, and love wasn't so complicated. He longed for the days that made sense, where he knew what he wanted, and this dull ache he felt deep within him didn't exist. He wasn't sure where it came from. Sometimes he could barley feel it at all, and others, like now it seemed to radiate through him. It was almost as if he could fell it shooting out at every angle, through every limb of his body. He knew it was because he longed for a past he couldn't have, and even though he didn't want to admit it, more than anything he longed for her.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette, boy did he need one. His life was definitely getting the best of him. It had been six days since he had seen Monica and he still couldn't get her out of his head.

"Why did she have to show up and ruin everything?" he thought out loud, blowing a cloud of smoke into the darkness with a shaky breath.

He loved Natalie, he was sure of it. Sure the feelings he had with Monica had been stronger, but he had made peace with the fact that he'd probably never find that again. Plus, Natalie was a great person; she was caring, beautiful, and loving, anyone would be crazy to not want her.

She had come into his life when he had hit rock bottom, and that was putting it lightly. It was really rock bottom, fifty feet of crap, then him. He never thought he would find anyone after Monica had felt, and she gave him hope, she gave him a life, but more importantly she made him smile.

He closed his eyes letting a low groan escape his lips as her face flashed before him.

"Oh Mon…" he whispered, allowing her image to float across his eyelids. That had happened a lot lately. Once was a few days ago; when he and Natalie were picking the plastic bride and groom to adorn the top of the wedding cake. They had picked out a beautiful set, the sales woman came out to inform them they were out of that particular couple. He wanted to laugh at the irony when she held up the plastic figurine with long raven hair, a soft face, and blue eyes. Her eyes were everywhere.

He knew he shouldn't long for her. What they had is over, and he was sure would never be again. After all she was the one who walked out on him. She didn't even say good-bye. All she left was a stupid note saying they wanted different things, and she couldn't stay in New York a second longer. He tried to reach her, he tried to find her. He had gone to JFK and searched every gate. He was too late. She was gone.

The vibration in his pocket tore him from his thoughts. He hit the "ignore" button before even looking to see who it was. Joey had called him everyday since Natalie spilled about the engagement. He didn't want to explain himself to his friends, which he knew was the reason for his calling. He didn't want to have to analyze anything, because he wasn't sure why he did it. Did he truly want to marry Natalie, or was he just trying to prove something to himself, or to Monica? He wasn't sure.

"Hey Joey… you're early." Phoebe said looking up from the couch in Apartment 20. When Monica left the gang felt like someone should stay with Chandler. She sub-leased her apartment and moved into the guest bedroom. They hit it off as roommates and have lived there ever since.

"Umm… Phebes, you got a minute… I need to talk to you about something. He said collapsing onto the couch next to her.

"Sure, what's up."

"Well… okay, I called Chandler a few days ago to see how he was doing after the whole Monica-Natalie thing, and I couldn't get him to answer his phone all day. I kept trying and trying and trying, and trying some more…. Let me tell you that damn message gets annoying!"

"Joey! Just tell me!"

"Okay, okay, --well Natalie answered the phone and told me that Chandler proposed to her."

"WHAT!" Phoebe yelled jumping off the couch.

"I KNOW!" Joey yelled back jumping up to be at the same level as her.

"Oh my god, I didn't think they were that serious!"

"They weren't, I mean I know that they had been dating for a while, but I never pictured them getting married that's for damn sure!"

A few moments passed, and they both resumed their seats on the couch.

"Does Monica know?"

"No." Phoebe nodded her head slightly trying to process all the information.

"Do you think we should tell her?"

"I… I don't know Joey. It's really not our place, but at the same time I don't want her to find out when they get home and she sees a ring on Natalie's finger."

"Yeah, but it's not as though her and Chandler are together, I mean she's got a boyfriend for crying out loud… do you think she'll even care?"

Phoebe decided not to tell him how she's walked into Ross and Rachel's to catch up with her friend, and found her sleeping, her nightstand covered with tissues, her face stained from tears. She wasn't sure if she was just upset about seeing Chandler again, or if there was more to it. Either way she'd have to feel the situation out a little more. Something told her Monica wasn't as happy or over the situation as she claimed.

"Joey, for now let's just keep this to ourselves. We need to get the facts before we tell anyone anything. Who knows, maybe Natalie was LYING!"

"Why would she do that?"

"Umm I don't know, maybe… oh maybe she needs a Green Card! Yeah maybe she told you she was marrying Chandler because she had to say it because Immigration was there!"

"She's from Atlanta!"

"Or so you think Tribianni, maybe it's Atlanta, Mexico…. Or… or Atlanta, Spain… that would be so cool!

"Everyone knows that Atlanta is in Tennessee Phoebe…. HELL-O!" He said pointing to his head.

Both continued arguing, neither wanting to address the topic at hand.

A few days later Phoebe entered the coffee house surprised to see Monica sitting on the couch alone. Since she had returned to New York she and Rachel had practically been joined at the hip. Sure they were tying all the loose strings together before the wedding which was in 11 days, but Phoebe knew they were enjoying each other's company. They had been so close when Monica had left. It was great to see that some things never change.

"Hey Mon…whatcha reading?" Phoebe asked sitting down in the over-sized chair.

"People." She answered simply, her eyes still glued to the glossy-gossip filled pages.

"Are you going to Rachel's tonight?"

Monica frowned slightly, she had been planning on going, after all she was staying with them, but she knew that Chandler was coming home from Atlanta that night and would more than likely be there with Natalie.

"Umm… I'm not sure, I was thinking about it, but I promised my Mom I'd have dinner with her." she lied.

"Oh…okay." She paused, eyeing Monica. She knew she didn't have plans with her Mother, Ross had mentioned that both Jack and Judy were in Vermont for an anniversary party this weekend. "Well that's great Mon, that you are you parents are getting a long so great.

Monica smiled, making eye contact with Phoebe for the first time since she entered.

"Yeah, I thought they'd be mad at me for leaving so suddenly. But things are great, better then I could have imagined. I'm so glad they forgave me"

"Of course they'd forgive you, they love you." She paused trying to choose her next words very carefully.

"I mean we were all upset when you left, but we all love you so much, it was easy to forgive."

Monica shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She didn't like where this conversation was headed. Phoebe knew Chandler was coming home tonight, and Monica had tried to ignore her not-so-subtle hints to talk to him the last few days. It would be too hard. The wedding was in a little over a week, and she knew she was capable of avoiding Chandler at all costs until then.

"Phoebe…" she said setting the magazine on the coffee table.

"I know what you are getting at, okay. But I don't want to talk to him.

"Why not? Monica you have known each other for fifteen years! You've been best friends most of that. I know that things are awkward but you should talk to him. He was really hurt when you left. Tell him what happened."

"Why? What good will it do? It's just going to make things harder than they already are.

"Only if you let it Mon." she moved next to Monica taking her hand. " It's you and Chandler, Monica. It's you guys."

"What difference does that make Phoebe? We **were** Chandler and Monica, we aren't anymore. Look we are both happy now. I'm happy, I love my life okay, I know he's happy, so what's the point?

"I just think that you guys are both in a place now where you can settle your differences."

Monica looked down at her lap, her eyes misting, tears threatening to spill over.

"I can't face him Phebes. Still after all this time I can't do it."

"Why Mon?"

"It's complicated okay?" She said grabbing her purse. Phoebe reached out and held her down. She wasn't going to let her walk away from this.

'Why Monica? Because were together and you broke-up? That happens all the time, hell look at Ross and Rachel. They were friends after, they are getting married for crying out loud. Why can't you just admit that you miss him?"

Monica looked down defeated.

"We all know Monica, I see it in your face every time his name is mentioned. I see you looking at pictures in the apartment all the time. How can you let the last four years ruin a such a deep relationship like that?"

Monica stared wordless at Phoebe. She didn't know what to say, what to think, or do. She wasn't aware that her friends were that in tune with the feelings she had been battling since her plane landed in New York.

"I know that he misses you too Mon…"

Monica closed her eyes, and ran her fingers hastily through her hair. Letting the words wash over her. Did he really miss her? The way that she missed him? Did he too lead an ongoing battle with his thoughts trying to desperately forget what they had, and she realized still wanted?

" I know he would love to be friends again."

**_Friends, _**the word echoed in her mind.

"Phoebe… please…" she began reaching for her purse again. She needed to get out of there before she couldn't control her voice and her reasons for doing everything turned into word vomit.

"No, Monica. What are you going to do? Run away from this, **again**? I'm not going to let you do that. Why are you fighting this?"

"Because he didn't want me. No matter how long I'm away, or how happy I am, it still hurts to know that he didn't want to marry me." She stubbornly wiped the tears from her cheeks before continuing.

"And to see him with her, to see him so in love with someone else, it hurts Phebes. Why wasn't it me? What makes her so damn special?"

Monica clutched her stomach, the knots becoming too much for her. Tears were streaming down her face. She sank her head into her hands, covering her eyes and wishing she'd never came back. It was too hard to watch him with someone else. It was too hard to remember what they hand, and it was too hard to realize it would never be again.

"Hey Phebes! Where's everyone?" Chandler stopped when he saw Monica sitting on the couch, her face buried in her hands, her hair covering her face.

"Is… is everything okay?"

"Yes!" Phoebe jumped up trying to divert his attention from Monica who was angrily wiping the tears from her eyes.

"I thought you weren't coming home until later!" Phoebe said grabbing his shoulders and turning him away from the couch. He turned his head looking over his shoulder, his eyes searching for Monica's.

"We got an earlier flight. So we could make it to Ross and Rachel's tonight."

"Oh yay!" Phoebe yelled, with mocked enthusiasm

"Oh great you're here!" Monica's head snapped up when she heard Natalie's voice behind her. With every nerve in her body she wanted to run, still somehow she was rooted in her seat. She could feel Chandler's eyes on her, she turned her eyes to the coffee table in front of her, in a futile attempt to compose herself.

"Did you tell them already?"

Phoebe watched Chandler looked back and fourth between Monica and Natalie. Her stomach turning, knowing what was about to happen. She wished she had told Monica herself.

"No actually, I don't think this is a good time. Let's wait to later." He knew he had interrupted something. He stared at Monica, she was gazing straight in front of her. She ran her fingers nervously through her hair then brought a hand to her mouth to bite her fingernails. He fought the familiar and over-whelming urge to go to her.

"Oh don't be silly…"

Natalie's voice snapped him back into reality.

Monica felt lightheaded, her stomach twisted, her gut telling her it wasn't something she wanted to hear. She stood up to make a break for the door.

"No Nat really I…" he said as he watch Monica move passed him.

"We're getting married!"

Monica stopped, right in front of him, suddenly unable to move. Her eyes searched for him, and found his already on her.

"That's so great!" Phoebe said, as Natalie hugged her. She couldn't believe what had just happened.

Monica took a deep, shaky breath. She looked down, sure she could see the pieces of her heart shattered into a million pieces below her. She managed to control the tears that lined her eyes and with all the courage she had she looked him square in the eye and muttered…

"Congratulations." Before walking to the door.

PLEASE REVIEW!


	3. Every New Beginning

**Every New Beginning, Comes From Some Other Beginnings End.**

Hey guys, here's the 3rd chapter of **What Hurts The Most**. Enjoy, and as always please review!

"Hey guys! Chandler! You made it!" Ross said excepting the bottle of wine from him and taking his and Natalie's jackets.

"There's food in the kitchen, help yourselves. The guys will be here soon."

"Hey guys!" Rachel said emerging from the kitchen, wine glasses in hand.

She walked over to Chandler and hugged him.

"Joey told me this afternoon about the good news. Congratulations!"

"Yeah congratulations man!"

"Thanks." Chandler said taking a seat on the couch, Natalie right behind him.

"We are so excited aren't we honey!" She exclaimed wrapping her arms around Chandler and planting kisses on his face.

"Yeah…"

Rachel gave him a confused look before joining them on the couch, pouring herself and her guests a glass of wine.

"Have you guys already started planning anything?"

"Oh yeah!' Natalie replied. "We've got almost everything figured out!"

"Oh really?" Rachel said surprised. "Everything?" She eyed Chandler shockingly, who was staring at the table in front of him as Natalie continued.

"Yep, everything is ready. We got the flowers, the caterer, the reception hall and the church. I already have my dress, and my best friend Allison is going to be my maid-of-honor."

"Well that's great." Ross chimed him, taking a seat in his chair. "Where are you going to have the ceremony?"

"Oh!" Natalie exclaimed her face beaming with happiness. "It's this beautiful church, it's where my parents were married."

"Oh so… you're getting married in Atlanta?" Rachel's eyes once again searched for Chandler's, who had been erringly quiet since entering the apartment. He was just staring, oblivious to his surroundings.

"Have you set a date?"

"Yeah," Natalie said sipping her wine. " and I know it's kinda fast, but we're getting married August 27th."

Rachel's hand flew to her mouth wiping the wine she had spit everywhere. She reached for a towel immediately to wipe up the red beads from the coffee table.

"Wow, that's in like two months!'

"I know it's fast, but why wait when it's so right? Right sweetheart?"

Chandler simply nodded as he reached for his glass downing every last drop.

"Hey Mon, it's James. I haven't talked to you in a few days and I miss you! I hope everything is going great in New York. I can't wait to see you baby, love you!"

Monica hit delete on her cell phone. Sighing as she flopped onto Joey's couch. She couldn't stay at Ross and Rachel's. Everyone, including Chandler and Natalie would be over tonight, and she didn't want to see him. She couldn't go to Phoebe's, she lived with Chandler. Joey's was the only safe haven for her tonight, and he had obliged telling her to stay as long as she wanted.

"Hey baby, it's me again. I know you're extremely busy, I was just calling to tell you I love…" She hit delete again.

"Monica this is your love-sick boyfriend who is missing you terribly…" Delete.

She closed the phone not wanting to hear to hear his words of love for her. In the few hours that had passed she had realized something she had known all along. She didn't love him. As awful as it sounded to her, it was the truth. After hearing of Chandler and Natalie's engagement everything made sense.

She closed her eyes taking a deep breath.

She had spent years suppressing her feeling for him, and all it took was eight days, and two encounters to make the mind numbing pain surface. She ran her fingers through her messy bun, not attempting to brush away the stray pieces that soon feel over her eyes. She knew she couldn't lie anymore, not to herself at least-- she loved him; and no amount of hurt or time could change the overwhelming-heart swelling pain that radiated through her body every time he walked into the room. She had always wondered how different her life would be if she hadn't given in to her insecurities, to her logical level headed mind, and listened to her heart.

There's no arguing it, in life you lose things. Whether it's your keys, a pen, the damn remote, or a love. When Monica was a kid her parents told her that change was good, and when it happens you should surrender, accept it, and move on. Things change, everyone changes, even if you don't want them to. What her parents failed to mention was how hard it was to loose something you hold so dear to your heart. Monica had lost Chandler-- that she was sure of. He was happy, and living the life she wished she had for herself. She knew she wasn't happy with James. She had been living a lie all those years, and needed to let him go.

She sighed as she picked up the phone to do what she dreaded the most. She wasn't there to witness what she had done to Chandler; she had turned on him taking only her self into account when she left. And as she sat there in Joey's barca lounger the tears spilling from her eyes, she picked up the phone and dialed the numbers to her home in Chicago, knowing that some point in time she would need to see James again, and tell him face to face how sorry she truly was. After the wedding she would fly back to Chicago and tell him everything. She would tell him about heartache she felt leaving New York, how she never felt like she truly belonged in Chicago, and how she had ran away, trying to suppress her feelings of a lost love. Even if it didn't make up for what she had done to Chandler, today, right now, she was going to do something the right way.

"Hey guys, it's about time!" Ross said greeting Joey and Phoebe at the door.

"Yeah sorry we got held up at the apartment." Joey answered, walking over to Chandler, who was staring out the window his wine glass still in hand.

"Hey buddy! Thanks for calling me back." He joked and pulled him into a hug. "Congratulations dude!"

"Thanks Joe." Chandler answered, his voice just above a whisper.

"Yeah, no problem."

"Hey Phebes where's Monica?" Ross asked setting some crackers on the coffee table.

"Oh umm… she wasn't feeling so well, so she's over at Joey's. Incase she's contagious."

"Something's up with her." Rachel added.

"What do you mean?" Ross asked.

"Well I don't know, she's just been distant all day. I think she's upset about something."

Chandler felt his heart ache. He knew it was because of him. When she practically ran out of the coffee house earlier that day he wanted to follow her. He wanted to talk to her, explain everything. Tell her that he was sorry she had to find out that way, but he couldn't will his feet to move. He was scared that if he was alone with her, even for a moment he would loose control.

"Maybe her and James are having problems." Ross suggested.

"I've only seen her twice…" Natalie chimed in, "but she seems to look upset all the time. "I don't think I've ever seen her smile."

"She has a beautiful smile." The words came softly from Chandler's lips. Everyone else's eyes moved to his slumped over figure that was still gazing across the street.

"Umm… ya know what. I think I'll go see if she's alright." Rachel said grabbing her purse.

"Actually Rach… do you mind if I talk to her?" The others turned to him questioningly.

Chandler ignored their stinging eyes and continued.

"I just haven't talked to her in awhile, I want to make sure she's alright."

Rachel smiled, and set down her purse. Thankful the silence between would finally end.

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Thanks" he said bolting out of the door, leaving Natalie on the couch.

Chandler stood hesitantly outside of Apartment 19, his heart racing. He ran his fingers nervously through his slightly displaced short-brown hair. This was ridiculous, she had been his best friend for the majority of his adult life. It was only Monica right? Monica. He planted his feet firmly on the welcome mat outside of the door, the familiar urge to run back down the two flights of stairs poured through his body casting shadows of doubt on his earlier confidence.

She sat alone on the couch in front of a tissue-covered table; her face haggard, eyes red and swollen. The last few hours seemed to have flown by, but now she stared at the wall watching the clock and subconsciously counted the seconds. She felt trapped by the four walls surrounding her. The events of the day were taking their toll, and her fought the urge to run, mainly because she didn't have place to go. Before she left Chandler had always been her safe haven, the one she trusted more than anything. She shook her head erasing her mind of him, once again reminding herself that he WAS the one she'd go to, but couldn't anymore.

She made no attempt to fix her dreary appearance when she stood to answer the door, figuring it was either Rachel or Phoebe coming by to see if she was okay.

"Guys… I'm okay…" she said opening the door. Her breath caught when she saw him on the other side.

"Hey." He said a slight smile tugging the corners of his mouth . He couldn't help it, she always made him smile.

"What are you doing here?" She leaned onto the door, fiddling with it's handle, trying to seem more interested in the shiny metallic brass than his reasoning for showing up unannounced, and more importantly alone.

"Well Phoebe mentioned that you'd been upset today, and I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine." She answered shortly.

He smiled at her again.

"Oh come on Mon…" her heart raced at the familiar nickname. "You and I both know that's not true." He gestured to her appearance.

Her eyes shifted to the floor then to him then down again, secretly wishing she'd at least washed her face, she was sure she looked like hell.

"I'm okay Chandler… really, you didn't have to come here."

"I know." He confessed, "I wanted to." He paused again searching her eyes for answers. "Can I come in?"

"Suit yourself." She opened the door further before walking over and plopping into the chair.

He followed sitting in the chair next to her.

He looked around at the pizza boxes scattered randomly on the floor, and the half eaten slice resting on the counter.

She looked up when she heard him chuckling to himself. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing, I'm just surprised. You've been here all day and nothing has been cleaned, or straightened. This place is a mess."

She smiled sadly, letting her eyes scan the apartment. He was right, it was an absolute pigsty.

"I guess I haven't been in a cleaning mood lately."

"Oh… that bad huh?"

"I guess you could say that."

"What happened?" he maneuver the chair so it was facing her.

She sighed, not wanting to talk to him about her break-up, or the apparent feelings for him that had resurfaced a stark few hours ago. She knew however; attempting to hide anything from him would be futile and unsuccessful, never mind the fact her choice in garments resembled those to a classic-textbook case of the well-documented "Phase one". He'd have no problem finding answers, despite her best efforts to disguise them. He knew her so well. But never the less he was the last person she wanted to open up to.

"Chandler… why are you here?" She said trying to steer the conversation off topic.

"I… I don't know."

She looked up meeting his stare.

"I just think we need to talk Mon, and I know it's going to be awkward, and hard, but I… we need to."

He took a long pause, studying her face. She looked so tired, so exhausted. Her hair was thrown into a messy bun, her baggy clothes hung from her thin figure. He could tell she had been crying, about what he wasn't so sure. Even in her disheveled appearance an innocence lined her features, making her appear more real to him then ever before.

"Look I just wanted to apologize for this afternoon." He started, shoving the longing he felt emerging aside, when her deep blue eyes made contact with his.

She cut him off before he could continue.

"No need to."

"But Mon I…"

"No, Chandler, really it's fine. I don't want to talk about it."

"But Mon…"

"That's not why I'm upset, okay?" She wasn't really lying. Sure she was upset that he and Natalie were getting married, and about her revelations earlier, but she was also upset because of James.

"Okay then… why are you upset."

She groaned defeated.

"James and I broke-up." Her eyes started to swell as their heated conversation earlier replayed in her mind. He was so upset, sounded so unbelievably hurt. He had yelled at her, something he had never done before.

"Oh Mon, I'm sorry I didn't know."

She angrily brushed the tears away.

"What happened?"

"He yelled, said nobody had ever hurt him that much before, that he never wanted to see me again."

Chandler moved closer to her, wanting to reach out, but refrained from touching her.

"He said that I just used him, that he didn't mean anything to me. Which wasn't true he meant a lot to me… I just…"

"You just what?"

She looked up at him tears streaming down her face, her eyes so grave.

"I just didn't love him like he deserved."

Chandler looked down, wondering if that's how she had felt about him, if that was why she left him all those years ago. Wondering if she didn't love him like he loved her. His heart went out to James, he knew what it was like to love Monica, to want to give her the world, and have her shatter your dreams.

"You didn't love him?" He couldn't stop the twisting in his stomach brought on by his recent thoughts.

He looked up, her eyes burning into his soul. He thought all this time that she had loved James, that she was happy.

He wanted to laugh when he watched her shake her head.

"Chandler…" he didn't look up, his mind was racing.

"I know how you must have felt now."

"What?"

"I know how upset you must have been, when I left without even talking to you first.

"Mon…"

"No Chandler, I know that it doesn't make things right, or erase what happened, but I am sorry."

He felt his eyes sting. The ache in his heart suddenly stronger. The unwanted memories of the past invading his body.

"Well listen it was a long time ago." His sudden change in demur left her confused. Hadn't he wanted to talk about what happened? Why else would he be there?

"Look Chandler…"

"You know what, I think I'm going to head back over to Ross and Rachel's." He felt like he couldn't breath. Why did he think it would be so easy to talk to her again, to be this close to her. How could he think it would be this easy to face the past? He stood up, he had to leave the ache was getting stronger.

"Why are you leaving? I thought you wanted to talk."

"I did, I did, I mean we talked right? Everything is great. Per…. per… perfect! I'll see you later!"

He collapsed outside of the door. Her words stinging his ears. She didn't love James, she never did. The first three years she had been away he didn't so much as glance at another woman. When Ross slipped and told him she had been in a serious relationship for the past two years his heart broke all over again. It was the first time he allowed himself to think she really didn't love him, and wasn't coming home. Those realizations and still aching heart pushed him to Natalie. The old saying "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with" echoed in his head. He loved Natalie, but she wasn't Monica.

He pulled himself together pushing her from his mind long enough to stumbled across the hall, not wanting to risk Monica or any of his friends catching him in his current state.

She paused, watching his fleeing body exit the apartment. She wasn't sure how long she sat there after he left contemplating going after him, making him face her. She wasn't quite sure why, but determined to confront the past, she stood to follow him.

She walked over to apartment 20, her stomach snarled. She quickly brushed the hair out of her eyes, and hesitantly knocked. No answer. She knocked again sure that she had heard the door slam seconds after he left. She reached her hand to the handle and lightly touched it, the cold brass contracted with her warm hands causing her to shiver slightly.

She twisted the knob and pushed the door in just enough to poke her head through the small opening. She closed her eyes as the familiar smell of her old life lubricated her lungs. She walked in, stopping next to the door, not wanting Chandler to be upset for simply letting herself in. Her eyes surveyed the surroundings, and much to her surprise everything was pretty much the same. A few random ceramics and nicnaks laid on the coffee table and counters, belongings of Phoebe no less, and picture frames had been taken down, very few replaced. She inched her way into the kitchen allowing her fingertips to gently gaze the smooth wood of the kitchen table. Her thoughts wandering to the last time she was here.

He walked out of the bedroom, the one they had shared so many years ago, and watched her state-like trance-- Her face lined with a hint of sorrow and an emotion he wasn't familiar with.

"Hey."

She looked up at him, wondering how long he had been watching her.

"Couch?" he asked simply.

She walked over sitting at the end of the couch, furthest away from him. Her eyes continued to scan the apartment.

"Bet you'd never be here again.. huh?"

She suddenly noticed his flushed cheeks and worn face, eyes red and puffy.

"Chandler, look I'm sorry about earlier, I didn't mean to upset you."

He closed his eyes and nodded. "I know… it's just so hard… us…I mean... the whole facing the past…. And all…."

"I know…" He smiled at her. "And I've realized…" she continued, " That the past isn't important."

His eyes silently questioned her as she slowly continued.

"What is important is that two of our best friends are getting married in a week, and we need to get along."

"Really?"

"Really… I know it's going to be hard, but at least for the next week I want to forget about what happened, and….. I want to be friends again. And I know that's a lot to ask, especially since it's the third time I've seen you in four years, but I know that it would mean a lot to our friends."

"Friends." The word echoed through his mind.

"I know that's a lot to ask because of everything that's happened, but I want us to be able to sit in the same room with each other."

Pushing away his heartache figuring friendship was better than nothing, he smiled at her.

"I'd like that Mon."

Now it was her turn to smile.

He reached out his arms to her. She sighed as he wrapped her into a tight hug, allowing just for a second to enjoy the familiar closeness, and the

heart-warming comfort he provided her.

To Be Continued…….


	4. I'm Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

21/03/2007 11:43:00

Hey Guys! Here's Chapter 4! Hope you like it, and as always please review!

Let me know what you think!

I'm Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

* * *

"So let me get this straight… you and Chandler are friends?" Monica nodded already having explained herself to both Phoebe and Rachel a few hours before. For some reason, they were having a hard time believing she could switch her feelings off so suddenly. She was surprised as well. Monica simply nodded to their interrogating questions, having no urge to spill her inner most thoughts and feeling. It was true, they were just friends. Friends. And until the day after the wedding she would put on a brave face and act as though Natalie and Chandler's engagement had no affect on her. Until then she would forget about everything, and pretend to be interested in Natalie's large-gaudy centerpieces-- and be grateful to have her best friend somewhat in her life again. That thought alone made her lips curl in the most genuine smile she'd had in a long time. After all things could be much worse.

* * *

"You and Monica… Friends? How is that possible"? Chandler sighed again. "Ross you're her brother, if anyone was happy about this I figured it would be you." 

"I am happy, don't get me wrong. It's time you guys finally put away your differences and the past and let things go… I'm just surprised it actually happened."

"Well it did, so could you please stop talking about it." The conversation was giving him a headache.

"Fine I guess, but don't you think it's a big deal."

Chandler signed again, plopping into softness of Ross' brown leather couch.

"I guess so… I just don't know how things are going to work."

"What's that mean?" Ross said handing him a cold beer, before taking a seat next to him.

"I mean it's Monica… and it's Me. Ya'know it's ME AND MONICA"

"Yes I know who you are."

"No that's not what I meant." Chandler leaned forward setting him beer on the coffee table, then rested his hands on his knees. Ross studied him. His face was warn, his eyes fixed on the picture resting on the shelf in front of them. It was an old one, taken before Monica had moved to Chicago. His arms were draped loosely around her waist. Her beautiful blue eyes danced in the photograph, so full of life,

"I just don't want things to be awkward… ya' know?

Ross smiled sympathetically at his best friend.

"You guys are being given a second chance, and I know you won't blow it."

* * *

Monica managed to keep herself occupied the next few days helping Rachel with the last minute details of the wedding, which was only four days away. Her and Chandler had managed to stay civil with one another since their last awkward encounter. She was extremely glad that Natalie was back in Georgia until the wedding. She couldn't handle watching another woman with Chandler. She rummaged though the sales rack in front of her. She had been looking for a dress to wear to the rehearsal dinner all week, and still, the day of, she hadn't found a thing. 

"Mon… what about this one?" Rachel placed it back on the rack, when Monica's nose scrunched in disapproval.

"Monica all these dresses are beautiful, just pick one!"

"Rach you don't have to stay, I'm perfectly capable of picking out a dress…" Monica said sorting through another rack.

"Oh really? Then why don't you have one!"

Monica chuckled to herself as Rachel disappeared mumbling something about it being impossible to shop with the Geller's.

Rachel finally Monica found by the dressing rooms thirty minutes later, a frappichino clad in her hand.

"Did you find anything… oh Mon! That's beautiful! You have to get it!"

"Do you think it looks alright?" She said studying herself in the full-length mirror. The light crimson material clung to her body in all the right places.

"Um yeah! Now come on dinner starts in a few hours! I promised the hotel we'd be checked in by now!"

Rachel said dragging her friend to the register.

"Yeah, about that… isn't it kinda silly for all of us to stay in a hotel when we live about 3 miles away?"

Rachel's death look was the only hint Monica needed to drop the subject.

* * *

Chandler watched her take another sip from her drink from across the room with no doubt in his mind she was drowning in her sorrows. He had witnessed just moments before her mother lecturing her on another failed relationship. Even from fifty feet away he could see the pain etched across her face. 

"Having a good time?" He asked taking a seat next to her at the bar.

"Oh the best." She said sarcastically while throwing back the rest of her drink.

They sat in silence.

"Chandler… why can't I make sense of my life? I'm thirty-three years old, and still have no idea what I'm doing!"

"Oh Mon, don't say that. So things haven't turned out like you planned, big deal. My life certainly isn't how I expected."

She nodded, sliding her finger around the rim of her empty glass.

"Would you look at them." She said gesturing over to Ross and Rachel. "So in love, willing to forget their differences, the past, and move on… together."

"Eh… love who needs it?"

She looked at him questioningly. "That's funny coming from someone who's engaged."

"I know, but seriously it only complicates things, and always ends with someone getting hurt,"

She only nodded in response, a familiar longing creeping over her. She asked the bartender for another drink, and began to sip at it.

"I'm sorry I left Chandler…

"Mon I thought we weren't going to talk about this until after tomorrow.

"That was before I started drinking." She said slamming the rest of her drink, gagging a bit as the dark liquor burned her throat.

"But I mean could you blame me? She said the booze giving her a sudden lift of confidence. She was surprised to see the hurt look on his face.

"What?" She asked. "You actually thought I would sick around when you didn't want me?"

"Mon what are you talking about?"

"Never mind Chandler…" she said leaning on the bar for stability. "I'm not going to sit here and have this conversation with you if you can't admit what happened."

"No!" she said when she felt his hand grasp hers. "I'm not going anywhere with you!"

Chandler sighed at her slurred speech. He didn't think she had that much to drink.

"Mon… please..." Her eyes softened. "We really need to talk about this… but right now you are drunk, and I'm going to take you upstairs so you can sleep it off. We'll talk about this in the morning."

He let out a sigh of relief when she accepted his out-reached hand, and allowed him to take her upstairs.

"Mon you have your key?"

"Yeah it's right ummm… it's in this damn purse somewhere."

He had to stifle back a laugh as she dumped the entire contents of her purse in the hallway.

"Ummm let's see…nope that's not it." She said holding up a tube of lipstick. "Nope…nope, nope…ah there it is."

Chandler smiled as he helped her shove the rest of her belongings back into her purse, and opened the door following her into the cool hotel room.

He helped her remove the black-strappy sandals from her feet once she collapsed onto the stiff mattress. Happy that she had enough drinks for the smelly carpet to go unnoticed.

"Chandler…." Her voice was soft, heavy with sleep.

"Shhh… Mon just go to sleep" He leaned forward brushing a small piece of her dark hair from her eyes that had fallen from her crown of curls.

"Stay?" Her eyes pleaded with his, in a very non-Monica-like fashion. , the dark blue colors dancing within them.

He knew he shouldn't. He couldn't.

He leaned forward untying his shoes, setting them neatly next to her black sandals.

"How did we get here?" She asked her body inches from his.

"We walked… well I did, pretty much carried you up the stairs… geez Mon how many drinks have you had." He turned to face her.

"No… I meant here." His face softened as she gestured between the two of them.

"I… I don't know."

They fell into an awkward silence. She sighed, trying to rid her mind of the questions that had been burning in her soul for the last four years. Even in her hazy mind she knew this would be their only opportunity to bring up the past they had been dancing around for several days. And in the darkness of night, and his fiancé hundreds of miles away, she gathered enough courage and asked…

"Why wasn't it me?"

He turned to her, not fully understanding the complexity of her question.

"What?"

"Why wasn't it me Chandler…"? She repeated.

"Mon…."

"Please… I need to know."

"You left, what did you expect me to do, wait for you, not knowing if you'd ever come back?"

"I thought you loved me…"

"I did Monica! I did! I loved you so much it hurt, it still hurts okay! But you left, and without even saying goodbye. You wanta know why it wasn't you…. Because you didn't love me enough to stick it out."

"That's what you think happened!"

"Oh please, what was it then? You went to Chicago, and moved in with some guy, had a serious relationship with him for YEARS, and you didn't even love him. You left me here ALONE in that apartment, full of so many goddamn memories. You know what Monica here's a better question… why wasn't it ME?"

"What!"

"What makes him so damn special, and me so unlovable that you couldn't wait to get away from me and had to put hundreds of miles between us!"

"He wanted me Chandler!"

"What are you talking about? Are you implying that I didn't? I wanted you."

"You didn't want to marry me!"

He grabbed his stomach suddenly sick. She reached the door before he stopped her. His hurt-filled eyes matching her own. He reached out to touch her.

"No… no… I have to go… I just… I can't…. I can't stay here."

"I wanted to marry you, damn it Mon, I wanted to spend my life with you. How could you think that!"?

"Don't give me that bullshit Chandler, you expressed your feelings about marriage very clearly!"

He cringed as she continued.

"Who'd want to get married anyway… I'd be all for marriage if it worked, but did you know that the divorce rate in this country is 97" She spat at him. "You're right Chandler, how could I have ever second-guessed what we had, when it was so clear how you felt about sharing your life with me." She reached for the door again. He whipped her around, unable to think, unable to breath.

"I bought a ring… the night we went to dinner and Richard showed up, I was going to..." She willed herself to look at the floor, his eyes burned through her. His fingertips burned her skin as they glided up her arm and settled on her face. His voice was suddenly soft, his body so close to hers.

"I don't believe you." She said not making any effort to distance herself.

"I wanted it to be a surprise Monica, I wanted… I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you." His husky voice, and hot breath sent waves of longing through her body. She desperately wanted to believe him.

"Then why…why didn't you come after me"

"I did… I went to every gate. I looked for hours, but you were already gone. You have to believe me Mon… I… I…"

The sudden knock at the door behind them brought them crashing back to reality.

"Hey Chandler it's me…"

Joey.

Chandler stepped back defeated. "Joe, now's not a great time."

Monica hastily moved away from his touch, wiping her eyes, and straightening her dress.

She made no attempt to meet his gaze, as she calmly walked over and sat down on the foot of the bed, hands immediately massaging her temples.

He looked over at her, wanting more than anything to go to her.

"Chandler… I left my sandwich in your room! " He looked back at Monica once more before opening the door.

"Just get another one." Chandler answered.

"But the deli is closed! And it's the MEATBALL ONE!"

Chandler opened the door. He reached into his back pocket handing Joey his wallet.

"The key's in here, I'm just going to make sure she's alright…Just keep the key. I have a spare in my pocket." He answered quickly, shutting the door just as quickly, trying to stop the flood of questions he could see turning in Joey's mind.

Monica made no move to face him after the door clicked shut, or as she watched his shadow move across the wall towards her.

He watched as silent drops of water ran down her face, she made no attempt to brush them away, he wasn't sure if she was even aware of their presence. He kneeled in front of her, resting his palm upon her knee. She looked at him, eyes so full of hurt, and sadness. It took all he had not to take her in his arms and kiss away the pain that was etched across her face. It broke his heart.

"Please….please don't tell me this was all a misunderstanding. Please Chandler… please. I could handle it when I thought you didn't love me, I…. I…." her words caught in her throat.

He reached out to her, pulling her body to the ground. She buried her head in his chest. Sobs racked through her body, as a mixture of tears and mascara discolored the pristine whiteness of his dress shirt. He rubbed her back, as tears of his own surfaced.

"This isn't fair… we were supposed to be together… this isn't fair, this isn't fair."

He closed his eyes, the ache in his heart pouring through every limb of his body. She was right; it wasn't fair. How could this be happening? How could they have let it slip away?

"You should go." Her sudden change in demure tore him from his thoughts.

"Monica no… let me stay… please, I can't leave you like this, I can't walk away from this." He made no attempt to stop the desperate tone in his shaking voice.

"There isn't anything to say." She pulled her face from his shoulder.

"How can you say that? There is so much to say…I love…"

"No! Don't say it….please… please Chandler. It'll only make things harder"

He knew she was right, but never the less he needed to say the words he'd long for her to hear since the day she left. He wanted to let her know just how much he loved her.

"Monica…."

"Please… we can't be Chandler, we can't pretend like the last four years didn't happen. You're engaged, you love her."

He shook his head. "I thought I did…she's…" he fought hard for a description before letting the words all from him lips. " She's not you Mon…" She closed her eyes. She fought through shaky breaths to stop him from continuing.

"Don't… don't… it hurts to much. Please just go." her body shook trying to pull away from his touch, but it was useless. She collapsed her body onto his, trying fiercely to remember what it was like to be so close to him.

It was in that moment, with her clinging to him, her hair shining in the moonlight, face so soft--drowning in hurt, that he realized he would give his life for her happiness. He would walk away from her, if that's what she wanted, if that was going to make her happy. He would protect her from anything, including himself. He reached out combing his hands through her messy curls; he ran his fingertips over her face noting every curve and dimple. His eyes drank in the sight of her; remember every feature, the color of her lips, the rosy ness of her cheeks, her freckled nose, and beauty of her eyes. He closed his eyes, breathing in the flowery scent of her hair and perfume, allowing the heat from her body, and hot breath on his neck to comfort him one last time. He noted the concentrated look on her face, and realized she was doing the same. The ache in his heart was too much to bear; he leaned forward brushing his lips gently across her face, kissing away the fresh batch of tears from her eyes. She relaxed slightly, memorizing the way his lips felt against her skin.

"What do we do now?" His voice was forced, critical, and pleading. She let his words wash over her, wondering the very same question. Almost laughing once she realized their entire future was resting on her answer, on her decision. Chandler wouldn't fight her, whatever she choose, their fate rested on her. She hunched over, the weight of the world, her world with him, the only world that had ever really existed, made it hard to breath. She felt his fingertips against her skin, she looked up, his eyes red and puffy, not doubt matched her own. She held her breath. Could she walk out of his life again? Could she pick up the pieces and move on?

He stopped her before the vibrations in her throat allowed the words to form.

"Mon, please, don't let this, don't let us, end."

His voice sent chills down her spine.

Us. It was no longer about just friendship.

"Us." She repeated. The word bouncing around in her mind.

He nodded as sobs climbed threatening his voice. He slowly leaned into her, his mouth met hers. And as they kissed, him running his fingers through her dark hair, their tears clouded with each other's, producing a salty mixture of sorrow, desire and love. She pulled away first, pressing her forehead to his, her fingertips brushing over his lips. He held her tightly to him, wanting more than anything to wake up from this seemingly endless nightmare, and have her next to him, reassuring him that it was all a dream that she was there and always would be. He inhaled her shampoo, and silently counted the freckles on the crown of her nose through his blurry vision. He kissed her again.

"Please… Mon… please, please don't go." She lost herself in his love as his kisses trailed from her lips to her neck. His whispers against her ear and all conscious thought came and went from her mind. And as he gently lay on top of her, his mouth never separating from her own, as they removed the articles that separated them, as his fingers traced her every outline, and as they moaned each other's names in ecstasy, their tears collided once again, this time only in love.

He kissed the soft spot on the back of her neck as they lie together afterwards, limbs tangled together, their clothes scattered in various destinations around the bed. Their naked bodies concealed by a single white sheet. Her eyes were closed as were his, both savoring the feeling of their love. His hand moved up and down her arm, rising tiny goosebumbs. No words were said, neither wanting to disturb the silence and comfort surrounding them as the soft beams from the streetlights below them invaded the room. She turned to him, her eyes silently pleading with his. He offered a soft smile, not knowing what to say or what he needed to say. All he knew was that he needed to feel her lips on his again, and her body closer to him as ever before. She relaxed when his mouth found hers again sending waves of emotions through her heart and body. She locked eyes with him, as she pulled him on top of her, needing to feel the weight of his body pressed against her.

His voice softly broke the silence in a low groan as her hot kisses found his chest.

They made love for the second time that night.

She slept peacefully next to him, her chest rising and falling with each breath. The light rain that had started just moments before interrupted his thoughts when the soft pelts gently hit the window. In that moment, with her laying next to him with her hair shining in the moonlight coming through the window, face so soft, that he realized for the second time in the fifteen years he had known her, what he had known all along, that he would do anything to wake up next to her everyday for the rest of his life.

He slowly rolled out of bed. He dressed quietly not wanting to disturb her. He would return to her hours later after calling Natalie, slip back into bed, arms securely fastened around her. He would fall asleep next to the woman he loved, had always loved and never let her go.

His room was dark, as he tried to navigate the way through the unfamiliar surroundings to the small table lamp next to his bed. He stopped dead in his tracks when he caught a glimps of her sitting in the corner.

"Hey Nat…"


End file.
